A life lived in amber
by mpg
Summary: The colors which once seemed to burn so brightly have all faded. With time, they washed out and bled into one another, mixing until all that was left was a residue staining everything a specific shade of amber. AH/OOC/Angst/NOT-HEA


**Warnings and Disclaimer: Nothing is mine. M for language and themes. This story was one I wrote long ago for an angst contest, but it wasn't completed in time. It is completely untouched and raw, no betaing has been done so I apologize for any and all grammar issues etc. As an angst contest entry, it contains some strong themes which may cause some readers discomfort (I won't list them all here but lots & lots of trigger warnings) and it is NOT HEA. I know this is the first thing I've posted in ages & ages, so I'm sorry it's such a downer, but I was going through some old folders and decided to brush off some almost-but-not-quite completed one shots and get them up :) Also this was (very loosely) inspired by Whiskey Lullaby by Brad Paisley and Alison Krauss, which is a beautiful but heartbreaking song. **

~ 0 ~

I can easily recall the beginning of our relationship.

Looking back on it now, it comes to me like one of those cheesy, midday romance movies. Flashes of us as a smiling couple; shown with a soft focus and gauze-covered lighting, flattering angles and sappy dialogue.

I'm sure the reality of it wasn't quite so perfect, but it's funny how time dilutes harsh words and frayed tempers. It fades the colors which once burnt so brightly; the yellow sunshine of happy days, the harsh reds of anger and passion, and the green of new-found jealousy. With time, they all washed out and bled into one another, mixing until all that was left was a residue staining everything a unique shade of amber.

The first time I ever saw him, I had my breath stolen away.

~ 0 ~

_I was in the midst of a full-blown asthma attack and was panicking. My inhaler was in my bag, under my bed, miles and miles away. He had jumped to the rescue, pulling his own inhaler from the depths of his briefcase and offering it to me._

_I wasn't sure I needed it though. His presence alone had a certain calming effect on me. It didn't correct my shortness of breath, but it helped to centre my focus. My panic became stillness, and when combined with the benefit of the Ventolin, I was drawing a deep lungful of oxygen._

_He introduced himself as Jasper and sat by my side while I recovered from the worst of the attack. My hands shook slightly from adrenaline and shock as he handed me his Jack Daniel's and Coke._

_"I think you need this more than I do," he murmured as his blue eyes danced humorously._

_I nodded and mumbled out a shy 'thanks'._

_The two of us fell into an easy conversation. As we talked, I found out more about my elusive hero. He worked with my step-brother, Jacob. The two of them were the top sales representatives for the pharmaceutical company. The way he made me feel so comfortable, and the way he listened when I talked, made me feel nice and warm. _Home.

_As it turned out, we were both there for the same reason: Jacob's birthday party. He'd just turned twenty-three, a thoroughly unremarkable age, but we all found reason enough in it to celebrate wildly. Once I had recovered from my shock, I embraced the music, the booze and my new-found friend._

_As the night wore on, I grew more familiar with Jasper, and his hands grew more intimately familiar with me. His fingers raced up my spine, dancing along the material that covered my back. What started as conversation and dancing quickly descended into moans and groping._

_Jasper escorted me to my house and we practically fell through the front door, barely making the couch before we were wrapped around one another. We consumed. Fingers and tongues explored. Hearts raced. I ended the night as short of breath as it had started, but for entirely different—and much more pleasurable—reasons._

~ 0 ~

Dredging up the memories of that first night was like dipping a wound in antiseptic; it stung but I hoped it would stave off a greater infection. I chuckled mirthlessly, as if there _was_ a greater infection.

"Bella, I'm home!" _his _voice called from the direction of the front door. I quickly packed up everything I'd gathered around me to get through the day. A stab of guilt ran through me that I was allowing myself to wallow again, but I pushed it aside.

It was time to play the role of the dutiful wife.

~ 0 ~

"_Marry me?" Jasper asked. _

_We'd been together for two years and it was at least the fourth time he'd proposed. I might have said 'yes' if I'd thought he was serious, but it was always a question he only ever asked during our post-coital bliss. _

"_No," I giggled, knowing that my refusal wouldn't hurt his feelings. It would only sting if he was actually asking._

"_Why not?" he placed a gentle kiss on my nose. _

"_Because you don't really want to marry me."_

"_Of course I do," he murmured, moving his kisses down to my chest and lapping at my collarbone. "You're so fucking sexy."_

"_That's not really a necessary quality in a housewife." _

_He looked up at me, his face almost serious. "It's a quality I want in my wife."_

_He traced his hand along my throat, circling it down to caress my breast. I grinned at him, unable to hide the tremors that ran across my skin at his touch. _

"_I love you," he murmured, seconds before slipping his tongue across my skin. _

_My answer was a throaty moan as his fingers and mouth explored my body greedily. _

~ 0 ~

"How was your day?" _he_ asked.

I knew he honestly wanted to know. He'd come in search of me as soon as he'd noticed I didn't go to him. He _cared_ what I had done and whether it had fulfilled me in some way. I shrugged in what I hoped was a non-committal way; he may have cared, but I didn't.

"Get up to anything interesting?" he probed.

He wanted something from me. I knew what it was, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't even give him a tiny piece of myself—_anything—_to show that I was the person he had taken as his wife. The ideal he'd had in his head about who I'd been and who he thought I still was.

I wasn't.

I _wanted_ to be, but I wasn't.

Instead, I shook my head. I refused to talk. If I spoke to him while he was so close to me, I was certain he would be able to detect the things I wanted most to hide.

He bent to kiss me, aiming for my lips to kiss me like he had so many times before. Refusing to allow him that pleasure, I twisted my head at the last second so that he missed his mark, grazing my check instead. Once, he might have questioned it, but we were so practiced in our dance of careful avoidance that he just scrapped his lips gently across my skin, before planting another soft kiss on my forehead.

"What shall I cook for dinner?" he asked, watching me carefully.

I shrugged. "Whatever you feel like," I murmured as soon as he had put a little distance between us.

He nodded sadly and headed for the kitchen while I curled up into my chair pressing the heels of my palms against my temples, cursing internally that I couldn't love him the way he deserved to be loved. There was a time—it felt so long ago, even though barely a year had passed—when my entire life was lived for him.

The loss I'd suffered—and the one I'd in turn imposed on everyone else—rendered me incapable of movement. I longed for the one thing that helped. Unfortunately to keep him from worrying, I couldn't indulge again until he had fallen asleep.

~ 0 ~

_I was pressed into the elevator with far too many people; strangers pressing backs to fronts to squeeze into the tiny space. A strange, warming feeling crept over my body, starting somewhere near the base of my spine before slowly spreading outwards to encompass each limb. I rolled my shoulders as I enjoyed the sensation, the small movement enough to force my body into the person behind me. Warm breath washed over me as a shaky breath was exhaled from behind. _

_I turned to apologize for the invasion of personal space, but froze when my movement pushed me even further against the man. A strong, slightly stubbled jaw rested slightly above my ear, his breath tickling my hair. _

_A set of perfect, thick lips caught my eye and I swallowed heavily. The scent of the man behind me and the sensations rushing through my body were unlike anything I'd experienced. It felt more erotic that being wrapped around Jasper in a perfect lover's embrace. _

_Once the elevator doors opened and a few people cleared out, I no longer had a reasonable excuse to press myself against the attractive stranger. I sighed before taking a reluctant step forward. I instantly felt the loss and kicked myself for thinking that way when I was in a happy, long-term relationship with Jasper. He was the reason I was in the enclosed space, after a spontaneous decision to visit him at work. _

_The doors opened again on Jasper's floor, and I stepped out, anticipating the loss of the almost arousing feeling that stranger offered. The shiver didn't leave though. It followed me out of the elevator. Heavy footsteps trailed right behind mine and I just knew that the stranger was behind me. I closed my eyes and reveled in the electricity for a moment before stepping forward. _

"_Sis!" My step-brother's voice boomed out of his office as I passed it. I turned and gave him a little wave on my way to Jasper's office. _

"_Edward, wait." Jacob's voice called from behind me. The current racing through my body suddenly disappeared. _

_I turned quickly as my feet continued to move. The stranger from the elevator stood, talking freely with Jacob. My eyes traced across the stranger's—Edward's—features: the jaw, sharp enough to cut; the lips, light pink, soft and kissable, set in a full, masculine pout; wild, unruly hair, rusted in color and extending in what was almost a halo of perfection. _

_I stared for possible a fraction too long, my head angled to see him behind me as my legs continued to carry me forward. My feet betrayed me, finding the one loose spot of carpet and I toppled forward, crashing headfirst into the drywall._

_Three pairs of hands reached for me, helping me to my feet. One pair seemed more electrified than the others. I turned in that direction and was greeted by stunning green eyes, piercing and full of concern. _

"_Bella, have you met Edward?" Jasper asked. If he sensed the depth of my attraction for Edward, he didn't do anything to give it away. _

"_No, we haven't had the pleasure yet." Edward's eyes trailed over my face and I couldn't help feeling like he was scrutinizing my features just as I did his. I wondered if his body burned with the same current radiating through mine. "Lovely to meet you finally, Bella. Jaz has told me a lot about you." _

"_Jaz?" I queried, raising one eyebrow in question. I'd never heard him called that before. _

_Edward winked at me and I found myself blushing. _

_Jasper's hand found me elbow and he gently guided me beneath his arm. His lips pressed against my cheek. Edward's eyes dropped away in that instant. _

~ 0 ~

"Voila!"

_He_ smiled down on me as he presented his creation on the coffee table with a flourish. It looked great, but it wasn't enough to make me to eat. I would try though. For _him,_ I would go to the ends of the earth. He deserved it after giving me everything of himself despite all of the mistakes I'd made. For him, I would do anything, except be happy. I couldn't do that for anyone anymore; my happiness had been fatally wounded years ago and had finally died completely six months earlier.

I struggled to turn the corners of my mouth up a little. "Looks good," I lied.

My unenthusiastic response must have tipped him off to my lie.

"You need to eat, Bella. You've been wasting away ever since..." He trailed off, not wanting to say the words anymore than I wanted to hear them.

"I'll try," I murmured.

His mouth was still set in a disapproving frown, making it hard for me to look at him. "That's all I can ask."

He placed his own dinner in front of him. I watched carefully as his eyes focused on the plate in front of him.

~ 0 ~

_I'd been unable to get Edward off my mind after that very first meeting. _

_At first, Jasper reaped the benefits. My amorous affections increased with each fantasy that had played in my mind. Slowly though, I began to crave that affection that I knew I could only find with the man who flipped the switch on my synapses and sent my body into overdrive. _

_I began to seek out excuses to go into Jasper's workplace, always stopping by Edward's office to say hello. I convinced Jasper to invite Edward, and his latest consort, on double dates. No matter whom Edward brought with him, his eyes never left me. I felt empowered by his attention. His gaze burned and scorched, lighting fires that burned deep in my stomach._

_Despite the knowledge that he couldn't satisfy me, and that I craved the touch of another, I stayed with Jasper for another six months. I knew it was the wrong thing to do. I should have left him the instant I began to have doubts, but I was too scared. He was safe and I was comfortable. We were compatible in almost every way, and I had no desire to fuck that up for the unknown._

_I worked each day to convince myself that the chemistry I'd felt for Edward was nothing. I tried hard to believe that the way his eyes consumed me hungrily was normal. _

_Eventually, I couldn't lie to myself anymore. I knew Jasper and I belonged to the past. I couldn't be certain about a future with Edward, but I had decided not to let myself drown in mediocre. _

~ 0 ~

"Will you please tell me what you are thinking?" _His _voice makes me lift my eyes away from the meal in front of me.

"Nothing," I muttered.

He knew it was a lie, but sometimes it was easier to accept a lie than try to extract the truth, especially when he could easily guess the path my thoughts traveled. It was a well-worn track after all.

~ 0 ~

"_I can't do this anymore," I whispered, the tears already pricked my eyes because I knew I was about to inflict pain on another human being._

"_What do you mean? The movie isn't that bad," Jasper said, chuckling slightly as he turned away from the TV. His laughter died on his lips as he took in my expression. _

_I shook my head. "Not the movie. _This_." I waved my hand between us. _

"_I just can't be with you anymore." _

"_Bella?" _

_My own name, asked as a question, held so much heartbreak I thought I would die. _

"_Why?" _

"_I just don't feel the same way about you anymore."_

"_I…I can't lose you, Bella." _

"_I can't stay. I've tried. I've tried so hard, but I can't change the way I feel. " _

_As I told him there was no hope for us, I felt like I was holding a knife and twisting it deep into his heart, scarring him forever. I wanted to think that I didn't hold that much sway over him, but his eyes told me otherwise. There I saw the truth, his affection for me was far deeper than anything I'd ever felt for him. _

_It solidified my resolve to leave, and made me hate myself all at the same time._

_I loved him, so much, but it was never going to be enough._

~ 0 ~

"I'm sorry," I murmured, talking to my plate-full of food rather than the man who sat so close but so far away. "I didn't understand what the consequences would be. I don't know how to cope with what's happened."

His fork clattered to the table. I realized that it was actually the first time I had brought it up. Maybe I was making progress after all.

_Yeah right. _

"I hate what's been going on with you, I hate the guilt you have. Mostly I hate that you keep trying to push me away. But I don't regret what happened, Bella. I wouldn't trade a single day of our time together. I love you and I still count myself as blessed that you agreed to be my wife, even if the circumstances weren't ideal."

"Sometimes, I wonder whether it was all worth it," I admitted quietly.

The broken expression on his face almost crushed me and I realized I'd hurt him. Didn't he understand though? The happiness he had was worth everything it cost _me_. Unfortunately, _I_ wasn't the only one who had to pay the price.

~ 0 ~

_The love Edward and I shared burned hot and fast, like rocket fuel. _

_Within a month, we were engaged. My family didn't understand. They thought I had thrown away years of happiness for a quick fuck. My mother and step-father froze me out of their life. I wasn't even told when Jacob's wife had a baby until a few months later when Jacob finally started to talk to me again. _

_I tried not to flaunt the happiness I felt being with Edward, especially when Jasper was around. I refused to go to Edward's work functions, effectively cutting myself off from the friends I'd made during my months of incidental flirtation behind Jasper's back. Edward's family soon became the replacement for his work colleagues and social outings with his brother, Emmett, became the norm. _

_I couldn't regret the decision, I thought what we shared was so much more than I'd experienced with Jasper. It was almost as if Edward was made for me, and I for him. _

_It was perfect. Until, suddenly, it wasn't. _

~ 0 ~

"Bella, I'm heading to bed."

The hour of silence after my stuttered admission had obviously taken its toll on _him_.

"I'm here if you want to talk," he added.

A soft, warm hand rested on my shoulder in a too-fleeting touch. I leaned into the heat until the absence of it chilled me to the core.

I wanted to follow him, to go to him like I knew he wanted—like he deserved. I wanted to give him my grief and my sorrow, to offer him the love I knew he needed. Instead, I waited for another hour, until I was certain he was not coming back, and then I moved to retrieve my guilty indulgence that I'd hidden a few hours earlier—just before he was due to arrive home.

~ 0 ~

_Almost as soon as Edward had proposed, everything changed. My little 'yes'—which had made him so incredibly happy at the time I uttered it—suddenly made him sullen and withdrawn. I approached him about it without fear, we shared everything and I wanted to help him through. _

"_I just feel like such a dick." His hand tugged at his hair. "Jasper is supposed to be my friend." _

"I_ broke up with Jasper," I reminded him. "I realized we weren't going to work." _

"_Because of me," he hissed. _

_I shook my head. "Because of _me_. Jasper wasn't right for me. It's something I would have come to realize on my own, even if I'd never met you." _

_Edward clutched me tightly, pressing his cheek against my stomach. "I loved you from the moment you were pressed against me in the elevator. I just had no idea who you were." _

_I smiled at his admission. "I think I loved you then too." _

_I guided his face up to meet mine before kissing his lips softly. Our lips caressed each other in a sweet union. _

_Edward pressed his forehead gently against mine. "I just wish Jasper could find some happiness too." _

"_Maybe I should talk to him," I murmured. I wasn't really sure whether I could help him or not, but I owed it to him, for the years of happiness we'd shared, to try. _

"_I don't know if that's a good idea." _

_I agreed that I wouldn't go to Jasper. I wouldn't try to help him understand._

~ 0 ~

I wanted to reach back through time and shake myself. I should have listened to Edward. He knew better than I did, he always did. I tried instead to push the memory out of my head, but I couldn't. I knew it was dangerous spending too much time in the whirl of memory. No amount of thinking and wishing could erase the mistakes I'd made. No amount of regret, building within me and eagerly clawing its way through my heart and soul, could change what I had done. I knew there was only one thing that could help me.

I threw back the last of the contents in the glass in front of me. I hid the bottle that I'd just finished deep in the trash, hoping that he wouldn't find it there.

I unscrewed the lid on the fresh bottle of whiskey and poured myself a decent glass. There was a time that I was only able enjoy the amber fluid when combined with a mixer, but that was long ago.

~ 0 ~

"_Jasper, thank you for meeting me." _

_Edward was away at a convention, a reward for being the top salesman in his division. I hadn't planned on talking to Jasper while he was away, but after seeing him in the supermarket with his trolley empty and his broken heart on display, I knew I had to do what I could to help him. _

_The coffee shop was too quiet; there wasn't enough noise around to silence the noise of my own heartbeat thump-thumping in my ears. _

_He met my eyes and his baby-blues told me stories that his lips never would. Without thinking, I reached forward and grasped his hand. _

"_I'm so sorry." My lip quivered and my whispered admission wavered. _

"_Just tell me why, Bella, that's all I'm here for. What can he give you that I can't?" _

"_Nothing. It's not a competition where one person is better or worse than the other."_

"_There's a prize though," he whispered as he met my eyes. "And he won that." _

_My heart ached for him and I wanted to wipe his pain away. I may have left him, I may have started dated his friend, but that didn't mean I didn't care about him. Part of me still loved him—we'd spent too many years together, happy and loving, for me to be impervious to his pain. Tears fell on my cheeks. "I'm sorry." _

_He stood and threw a twenty on the table to cover the food and drinks we'd ordered. "Yeah, me too," he said as he walked away. _

_~ 0 ~_

My tears mingled with the amber fluid in front of me, adding a salty bitterness to the burn. That meeting was the beginning of the end, I just hadn't known it at the time.

~ 0 ~

"_I can't believe you met with him!" Edward shouted at me. "After you said you wouldn't, you arranged a meeting while I was away."_

"_I didn't plan it," I screamed back. "I can't just turn my back on him though. That sorrow in his eyes, it's _my_ fault. Why can't I try to make it right?" _

"_There's only one way you could make it right, and that's going back to him. Is that what you want?" _

"_No, I want _you_, Edward. Only you." _

"_If you still have feelings for him, I have to know. I can't marry you if you have _any_ doubts." _

_I was caught in how to answer that. Of course I still had feelings for him, but they paled in comparison to the way I felt about Edward. I wasn't sure Edward would understand if I said that though. "There are no doubts." _

_~ 0 ~_

"_Bella, I'm sorry if I caused any issues with Edward." Jasper's hand wrapped around my forearm as I walked in front of the supermarket with an armful of groceries. _

_Edward was out of town, again—the fourth time in two months—and the car was in the shop, so I was relying on public transport and my own feet to get around town. _

"_Did you want a lift home?" Jasper asked. _

_I was tempted to say no because I was certain Edward would hate the idea of me riding around in Jasper's car and of Jasper coming to our house, especially when Edward wasn't there. However, the bags of groceries were getting heavier by the second and the idea of trudging home with them in tow was unappealing. I offered him a weak smile. "Sure." _

_When I was safely inside the car, Jasper spoke again. "I'm sorry for making you feel like shit the last time we saw each other." _

_I shrugged because in my mind I deserved it. I'd been the dumper after all. _

"_I am happy that you're happy with Edward."_

"_You probably wish you'd never met me, huh?" _

"_Don't be ridiculous," he said. "I wouldn't trade a single day of our time together. I just wish I'd been able to be more for you. I wish I could have been what you wanted." _

_We fell into silence again, each of us lost in the years of history that had passed between us. I wished I'd known in the beginning that a love like the one I had for Edward had existed, I might not have forced Jasper's heart open so wide for me. I might not have scarred him so badly. _

_Despite my resistance, when we arrived at the house I shared with Edward, Jasper helped me carry the groceries from the car. I unlocked the door and he followed me dutifully to the kitchen, placing them where I indicated on the bench. _

_An instant later, his hands were on my waist and his lips were on my mouth. I stood in shock at the unexpected—and uninvited—kiss for a moment, and then reached out to slap him. _

_With his palm on his cheek, he looked up at me in shock. "Oh, fuck, Bella, I'm sorry. I didn't mean…" _

_He turned and left the house before I even had a chance to recover from the unexpected feeling of his lips on mine. For a moment, I was struck by memories of all the time we'd been together. For so long, he'd been my resting place, my rock. I'd thrown all of that away for the potential of happiness with Edward. I couldn't regret my decision, but standing in the middle of the kitchen while my ice-cream melted on the bench, I couldn't stop myself from wondering what might have happened if Edward had never been behind me on that elevator. _

_The emotions of the renewed realization that Jasper's love for me still burned as strong as ever brought me to tears. Edward came home early from his trip and found me sobbing on the kitchen floor. _

"_Bella, what is it? What happened?" _

"_Jasper," I murmured through my tears. "He kissed me." _

"_That fucker!" Edward stood, his eyes flashing with rage, before stalking from the kitchen. _

_Seeing the murderous intent in his eyes, I pulled myself to my feet and rushed after him. _

"_Wait, Edward, he didn't mean anything by it." _

"_Are you kidding me? Of course he meant something by it. He'd do anything to win." _

"_Win?"_

"_He can't beat me at work so now he's trying to win you back." _

"_Do you really think he'd be so petty?" _

"_Ever since you said yes to me, it's burned him up that I won."_

"_That you won?" My anger spiked at the words, reminiscent of Jasper's but said with so much more malice. "I'm not a fucking prize." _

_My anger only pushed his to higher heights. "No, but you made it real easy for him didn't you? All he had to do is bat his eyes and shed a few tears and you run back to him offering comfort."_

"_Yes, I offered comfort. Whether you like it or not, we were together for a long time. You can't just turn those feelings off like a tap." _

"_So you admit that you still love him, even when you swore you didn't." _

"_I don't love him the way I love you," I said as angry tears replaced the ones I'd shed over the realization of the depth of Jasper's feelings for me. _

"_But you admit you love him?" The anger in his voice dissipated, replaced by heart shattering sorrow._

"_I wish I could say that I didn't, but I think part of me will always love him." _

"_I see." His voice was cold. He turned heel, picked up his suitcase and walked back out of the kitchen. _

"_Where are you going?" Ice gripped my heart as I watched him walk away. A voice within me warned me not to let him go. _

"_Out." _

"_Please stay?" I begged. _

"_I can't," he murmured, looking at the floor. "I can't even look at you right now, Bella." _

"_Okay, if you need to go, go, but Edward, don't stay gone for long. I love you." _

_He left without saying it in return. _

~ 0 ~

I downed the remaining contents of my drink almost instantly, wondering why I had even bothered to dirty the glass. I knew how the night would end; just like they always did. It would start with a glass and before long, it would be the neck of the bottle resting against my lips and creating the burn. The first sip of the day was the best, after that I had to drink extra just to feel something.

I wondered if it was the same for my love before the end. Whether he relished the burn or was just working for obliteration.

After I'd emptied my second glass, I gave up on refilling it—grabbing for the bottle instead. It was a few glasses earlier than usual, but that didn't surprise me. Each night my race toward nothingness seemed to progress a little faster than the last.

Maybe things would have been different if Edward wasn't so stubborn. If Jasper wasn't so sweet. If I wasn't so stupid.

~ 0 ~

_It was barely an hour after Edward had left before there was a knock on the door. I pulled it open, hoping that it was him and he'd just forgotten his keys—even though I was certain he had them in his possession. _

"_Jasper!" I gasped when I saw my house guest. _

_His eye was bloodshot, the socket red and already beginning to swell. Blood pooled beneath the skin at the bridge of his nose—it would darken to a bruise before long but was still too fresh. _

"_What happened?" _

"_I hear you had an argument with Edward." _

_I ushered Jasper into the house and through to the kitchen. The groceries from earlier still sat on the bench, spoiled and thawed. "He did this?" _

"_Said I had it coming for not leaving you be. I'm sorry I kissed you, I just lost my mind for a moment." _

_If I put myself in his shoes, I could see how confusing it must have been for him. I didn't say anything as I searched for an icepack that I knew was buried somewhere in the freezer. _

"_He said that you still love me." _

"_Jasper, it's not like that." _

_His hopeful smile turned into a frown. "Yeah, I thought as much. Can't blame a man for trying though, can you?" _

"_Here," I said as I offered him the icepack. _

_He hissed as the cold touched his wounds. "Thanks." _

_We sat in silence for a moment, me watching him lift and replace the icepack a few times and him casting furtive glances my way between movements. _

"_You know what, this is helping, but I think a drink would be even better." _

_I chuckled. "Sure." _

_I grabbed out a bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a generous nip into two glasses before topping it up with a splash of coke. _

"_You remembered," he said as he lifted the drink to his lips. _

"_It hasn't been that long." _

"_Maybe not, but it feels like it has." _

_I wished the look of longing and heartache in his eyes wasn't there. I wished he could have found a way to move on from _us_. _

_Three hours later, and the rest of the bottle of Jack Daniels later, and he kissed me again. This time, I kissed him back. _

~ 0 ~

My chest heaved as the memory claimed me. Great gasping tears of sorrow fell in heavy drops over my clothing. Yet I forced myself to remain silent. _He _didn't need to hear me crying. It would only add to his guilt and he had nothing to feel guilty for. Not really. His only crime was falling in love with someone who couldn't cleave her heart in two to satisfy the two men who each wanted to claim it for their own.

~ 0 ~

_I woke the next morning with a blinding headache and the warmth of a body wrapped around me. In my queasy-stomached, glassy-eyed state, it took a moment to realize that the body pressed against me didn't cause electricity to race through my body. It was comfortable, home, love, but not excitement and thrill. It was Jasper, and not Edward. _

"_Oh god, what did I do?" My stomach roiled and my head pounded. I pulled myself from the bed, but the moment I was on my feet my stomach gave out. I rushed for the toilet and heaved the contents of my mostly empty stomach. As the liquid splashed against the bowl, flashes of the night before came back to me. _

_I'd fucked Jasper. I'd taken Edward's trust and flushed it down the toilet as surely as I flushed away the evidence of my sick stomach. I dropped the lid of the toilet and sat as grief overwhelmed me. I wasn't sure how I could face the day—face Jasper or Edward—so I planned not to. For as long as I could, I would hide away. _

_Sometime later—maybe minutes, maybe hours—Jasper knocked on the door. "Bella? Are you okay?" _

_The sound of his voice—the wrong voice to have shared my bed—was enough to cause my tears to fall anew. He rushed into the small room before guiding me to the bathroom to get washed off and then back to the bedroom. _

_He was still mostly naked, sitting on the end of the bed that belonged to Edward and I, when Edward came home. He rushed up the stairs, calling before him to say how sorry he was but his words died on his tongue when he saw the scene in front of him. _

_For the next four weeks, I was alone. Edward refused to talk to me and I ignored Jasper's calls just as steadfastly. Finally, Edward accepted my call and listened to my pleas for forgiveness. He might have eventually caved and taken me back despite my stupidity, if it hadn't been for the baby. _

~ 0 ~

The memory of being pregnant was enough to see my pressing my hand against my stomach as I lifted the bottle back to my lips. Even though I'd never been lucky enough to feel little flutters of movement, that little jellybean had caused so much happiness and so much grief.

~ 0 ~

_I had to tell Jasper about my pregnancy. After all, the child was his. There was no denying the timing, no possibility it could be Edward's. _

_Even though I told him through a flood of tears, he was overjoyed. _

"_Edward won't talk to me anymore," I said as Jasper enthused about the prospect of fatherhood—even if it was fatherhood from a distance. "I don't think he'll get over this." I pressed my hand against my stomach. _

"_Bella, it's a baby. Not something to 'get over'. It's a cause for celebration, if he doesn't see that, he's a bigger idiot than I thought." _

"_It's not _his _baby though. It's a sign of what I did. This child will always be a reminder of a stupid, drunken mistake." _

_Fear rushed through him. "Are you going to—"_

"_God no!" I said when I realized what he was going to ask. "I'm going to keep it, of course I am, but how can I ever expect Edward to love _our_ baby." _

"_If he loves you, he'll love it." _

_I dropped my head down onto the counter in front of me. "This is such a mess." _

"_It'll sort itself out, somehow. But Bella, if he doesn't come around. You know I'm here for you. Always." He reached his hand across the table, brushing his fingertips across my knuckles. _

_That same day, Edward left for good. I came home to find the house devoid of everything that was his. He'd taken the time to painstakingly sort through every CD, DVD, book and kitchen utensil, taking those which had either belonged to him before we got together or which he'd chosen in the time we'd been together. _

_The only thing he left behind was a note on the counter. "Be happy with him." _

_I knew instantly who he meant, and yet I wasn't sure I could be. _

~ 0 ~

I thought I heard movement upstairs and quickly shifted the bottle behind a seat cushion. I didn't need to admit to my husband that I'd been drinking; it would only cause him to worry. I waited a few moments until I was sure the sound was nothing and then drew the bottle back out of its hiding space.

I looked up at my ceiling—which served as his floor—and wondered whether he was awake and realized I'd yet to come to bed. It had been months since we'd last been intimate and my continued existence was as much of a bane to his existence as my leaving him would be. He didn't want me gone; he wanted me happy. I wished I could give him either, but I was too scared and selfish to do anything more than what I already did.

Exist, and drink until I no longer existed.

~ 0 ~

_Edward came to our wedding. Despite knowing it wasn't right to accept Jasper's proposal the same day Edward had left, I couldn't find any reason to say no either. Edward had made his choice and I'd been damned in the process. Within two weeks, I was standing at the altar—Jasper wanted to be wed before the baby arrived. _

_I had no idea how Edward had the courage to show up to the nuptials unannounced and—for the most part, unwanted—but he had. I had a strong suspicion he was drunk as he stumbled into the back of the church and muttered the whole way through the ceremony. _

_Jasper had a look of murder in his eye, but I pressed my hand to his chest to calm him. He'd won after all. Edward didn't want me—swore to me that his love for me was dead when I tried to reconcile with him before committing to Jasper—but it didn't change the way he looked at me with desperation in his eyes as he sat and watched me say my vows._

_When it was over, he left before I could see him again. _

~ 0 ~

Despite all of the injuries it had endured over the years, the precise moment my heart shattered into a thousand tiny, irreparable pieces, was just six months ago. One instant in time destroyed every possible future I had even tried to imagine for myself; a future where Edward ad I could at least find our way back to friendship.

In the end, it was a note that tore my heart apart. Six words scrawled in blue ink on the back of a photo of me. Since that day, I had studied that torn photograph for hours on end, losing days at a time while I tried to analyze every element the writing and the photo.

Why that photo? It was by no means a remarkable one. I wasn't even made-up or dressed in anything particularly nice. It was taken close to the beginning of our relationship, just as we were on the verge of shifting from friends to more. Edward used to inhabit a space on the right side of image; but now he was nothing more than a disembodied arm wrapped loosely across my shoulders. If I didn't know the picture, it would be impossible to tell who the arm belonged to. But then again, I probably would know, because I'd know his arm anywhere. I knew every inch of him so intimately that I would probably have been able to recognize any part of him, even from a distance. Or at least, that would have been true before everything happened. Toward the end though, I wasn't even sure if he recognized himself.

~ 0 ~

_I lost the baby a month after my hasty wedding to Jasper. He was a pillar of strength as I blamed myself over and over for the loss. I couldn't help but feel that it was my toxicity that had caused the miscarriage. _

_After a few months, with the pain in my heart still as strong as ever, I knew I needed to fix things, including myself. I decided that my loss was a sign from the heavens that I'd made the wrong choices. I went to see Edward, to tell him that he still owned my heart and soul. I'd ended up dodging a bottle of scotch pitched at the wall beside my head as he drunkenly shouted at me, calling me a whore and demanding that I get out. _

~ 0 ~

Any normal person would have sworn off the amber stuff months ago. The heart-breaking news and the delivery of the photo should have been all it took to make me seek help for my addiction. I didn't though. Instead, it made me hide it even more.

I couldn't, because I enjoyed the way the whiskey felt as it burned down my throat. It made me feel closer a little closer to him. As if I could use my own demons to absorb him—to resurrect him, if only for a moment.

I stumbled across to the couch before reaching into my purse and pulling out the photo that had destroyed me. It may seem strange to anyone who didn't know me, a grown woman carrying a photo of herself, but to those who knew me, who knew _our_ story, it made perfect sense. It was all I had left of him now; a torn photo, six words and eight years worth of memories.

I felt the resolve strengthen within me; each swig from the bottle giving me false courage. I knew it was almost time. I would do the same thing I had done every night since getting the terrible news. I turned over the photo, turning away from the reminder of who I had been—who we had been together—and stared at the six words hastily scrawled across the back of it. I couldn't focus on them, but I knew what they said. I had read the line over and over, trying to imagine some encrypted message of how to get him back to me.

The instant the words rose into my conscious, I relieved the emotions I had the first time I read them. I felt the hated burning through me anew. I hated him and I hated myself.

~ 0 ~

"_Isabella?" _

_I turned when I heard the familiar voice. It was Edward's brother, Emmett. Once upon a time, he'd been like a brother to me too, but things had become strained since the incident. I tilted my head in confusion over his formal greeting. "What is it?"_

"_The family thought you should know." _

_My heart sank. Somehow, I just knew what he was here to tell me. My knees buckled beneath me. I reached out for the wall of my house to hold me upright. My heart started to hammer and my breath started to quicken, coming in short, panicked bursts. _

_As if he could read my mind, he nodded in confirmation. "It's Edward." _

_My fist clenched, the brick of the wall digging into my knuckles; the only thing that was keeping me upright. _

"_What is it?" I asked. My voice was high and tinny, even to my own ears. I needed to hear what had happened. I needed verbal confirmation of my worst fear. _

"_We found him yesterday." Tears pricked at Emmett's eyes, the sight of someone so large, someone I always used to think had boundless joy, crying was too much. My knees gave way completely, my knuckles dragging over the bricks as I sank the rest of the way to the ground. "He's gone."_

_I squeezed my eyes tightly shut, hoping to block out the reality of what was happening. This wasn't real. I wanted to click my heels together like Dorothy and end up in a place that was safe, where I was surrounded by loved ones. _Home. _Instead, I knelt on the rough gravel with no one around to comfort me. Emmett took another step closer, but held his hands resolutely at his side. I had no doubts about what was running through his mind—the same words that played on repeat in my own. _

Your fault, your fault, your fault.

"_This was on his pillow. I wanted you to have it." _

_I knew whatever he was offering was tainted and designed to hurt me. _

_A torn photograph fluttered to the ground beside me and then the gravel crunched to indicate Emmett's departure. I suspected that his visit had been to place the blame where it belonged, and with that requirement satisfied, he had no reason to stay. _

_My suspicions were confirmed when I picked up the picture. I turned it over and read the note for the very first time. _

I'll love her 'til I die.

_Somehow, the words gave me the strength I needed to lift myself off the ground and make it inside. I had a bottle of Jack Daniel's Black label hidden in the top of my pantry for a special occasion. I had it on ice, but only until I ran out of ice and then I drank it straight. It was my tribute to the heart I'd broken years before and the one I couldn't fix no matter how hard I'd tried. _

~ 0 ~

I scowled at the empty whisky bottle. It was getting almost too easy to finish off an entire bottle lately. I would have felt remorse that I was slowly drinking myself to death, if I didn't feel that it was my dues. I only hated that I was causing unnecessary pain to those around me.

My knees buckled as I climbed from the couch, indicating the poison I was drinking was having some effect. I stumbled for the kitchen, yanking open the pantry door as soon as it came into reach. My lips were around the fresh bottle in almost no time and I took a giant swig. Some people argued that I was no better than Edward doing what I was doing, but they were wrong. I was worse, so much worse, than Edward could ever have been. He was poisoned by alcohol and by life, but even more so by me. His death would weigh on my conscious until my own arrived.

I sat on the couch, nursing the bottle of Jack in my left hand, holding it over my heart. I stared at my own face looking out permanently from the photograph. I was happy then, even before Edward and I had started dating formally. I knew I no longer possessed the same beauty. Almost seven years had passed since the day that picture was taken, and five of those were the hardest I could possibly imagine—watching my true love slowly drink himself into oblivion with no way to save him.

My face now showed the telltale signs of aging, and of alcoholism. I knew I had a problem. I knew it wasn't healthy, but I did it anyway. I didn't do it in spite of the danger it posed, I did it because of it. I did it because I was a coward. I did it because it was the only way I knew I could handle dredging up his memory each night. Yet I couldn't allow a single night to pass without remembering him. It would have been an insult to what we had shared, and what we might have shared if not for my stupidity.

Each night, I would drink myself into forgetfulness, the last mouthful of amber fluid finally holding a semblance of freedom. It was there, in that last drop before I rendered myself unconscious. Unfortunately, that freedom only resulted from more and more alcohol each night.

I felt terrible knowing that my family, my former friends and worse my husband—whose only fault was loving me through my flaws and trying to hold onto that love with hands that instead strangled it—had to witness my decline. I knew it was history repeating for them. I could see the pity on their faces, but I could also see the blame in their eyes. They knew as well as I did who was at fault in the whole mess.

Watching someone you love dying a little more each day is terrible; knowing, without a shadow of a doubt, that you are the reason is insufferable. I hated myself, I hated him. I tried everything I could every day to change what had happened, to shift the outcome. I begged for forgiveness. I begged for mercy. I begged him to move on, to forget me, or to come back home to me. Nothing worked. Nothing changed. And within five years, he wasn't just lost to me. He was lost to everyone, forever.

I knew that when the time came—when my body gave up the fight against my shattered heart—there would be sorrow. But eventually, there would be healing. My continued survival was a noose around everyone's neck—my own, my parent's and especially Jasper's. His imagined obligation to me—the blame he felt for his part in the mess—would end with my death.

I had hope that one day, I would join Edward again; perhaps even one day soon. I only hoped that in his death—and in mine—he'd have found a way to forgive me.


End file.
